Meet Tabitha. She lives in a nest of shredded Charmin above a self-help clinic. She’s mean as a snake and is nicknamed the Judgeopotamus. She attends everything she’s invited to, hence she’d go to the opening of an envelope. She watches what everyone eats and makes lil’ pig noises under her breath when she sees women eating carbs. Tabitha’s entire anus and genital area have been clenched shut for years; she is a human Kegel. The last time someone went down her pants—after a glass and a half of rosé—she told them, “Only a pinky to the first knuckle. I’m a lady.” She thinks masturbating is a way to catch bigger fish. She has a bumper sticker on her Honda Civic that reads “Only Jesus and Me Can Judge You.” In college, she went to eat ice cream and left without paying and coined it the lick-and-leave. Ironically, this is also how she refers to her first two divorces. Tabitha hasn’t had a carb in fifteen years nor a solid stool. Her nickname at work is Potty Painter. Tabitha is flammable. She reeks of Shalimar and Aqua Net. She has never owned a pair of jeans and refuses to wear athletic wear. She LIVES for luncheons. She always judges the ink and handwriting on peoples stationary and is HIGHLY offended by profanity. She has never opened her eyes during sex and thinks anal is not an option, but a way of life in the bedroom. She cannot handle spicy food and is convinced curry causes “anal leakage.” Tabitha has been cursed with bad allergies and pees a bit every time she sneezes. Her style icon is Mrs. Doubtfire. Her checkbook is perfectly balanced, and her last purchase was stool-hardener. She is a very volatile bird and should be approached with great caution. She will peck your eyes out.
Dimensions: 12 x 12in | 30.48 x 30.48cm on 3in | 7.62cm gallery-wrapped canvas - acrylic paint and mixed media covered in heavy resin.
